to concieve or not to concieve

The scary story that led us to where we are now



Now that I've shared a tad of my history, catching up on my current endevours seems logical.

Lets say... about 13 months ago, my husband and I decided to have that big scary talk about whether or not to have another baby. Of course it wasn't as big and scary as i thought, reasoning being that my husband didn't give me his full opinion on it. He only really said, "It's only fair you get a chance to have a planned pregnancy." Huh? I know men are supposed to be the ones that are more upfront, and we're not supposed to look any further into their words for a so called secret message, but I kinda felt left hanging. Do you want another baby or not?

All signs from his family pointed to "you better not!" of course with there being four children thrown into the mix of our crazy lives already, that did seem smart of them. And my family was all for it. But my husband was right. why should I have to suffer because of his "accidents"? So without ever really deciding if we should try for a baby, I left it in God's hands... sorta.. and stopped taking my birth control. I also was no longer covered under insurance and $30 a month seemed a lot more expensive at the time.

so come July of 2010, nearly six months later, I missed that gnarly aunt flow. I was excited, nervous, scared. Why scared you say? I was worried my husband would be upset. I waited almost two weeks before I took a test so I could be 100% sure without having that silly negative line show up only to feel like a fool filled with wishful thoughts. I woke up one Sunday and started getting ready for church, peeded on a stick, then walked into my bedroom and woke my husband up with "I'm taking a test." He immediately jumped out of bed and went to the bathroom when i called after him informing him that it takes three minutes. His response: apparently not! It was like my pee was on steroids, well hormones. It took only 30 seconds for the positive line to show up. I was shaking as we both looked at it. My husband was beaming. smiling ear to ear, but I still stood patiently waiting for him to freak out or explode. "we're having a baby!" he shouted. My shoulders sank and a huge weight lifted away as i let myself finally be truly excited about it. We both laid on the bed holding each other. Five kids, five kids. He kept saying it over and over.

So the first five were heavenly bliss. my husband doteing on my every need, each family member being told and being almost excited or more excited than we were. This was what we needed, I told myself. But then... BOOM. the devil took hold of my husband and pulled him into a dark scary place that shoved fearful thoughts into his head. Along with the fighting, the stress, the non comunication, and my marriage slowly (but at the same time oh so quickly) falling apart, came many pregnancy complications I didnt know were possible

First, I fell at work, causing my already injured back to cause me terrible pain, causing no sleep and a miserable time at work. which of course added to my mood and added to our fighting. Then I discovered I had a herniated belly button. Not a big deal, but yet another stress-er. Then  things plummeted. I lost my husband completely to the evils of the world and an addictive personality. We separated, and i was put at risk for premature labor as each crying fit brought on real working contractions. After nearly two weeks of weeping and praying, God started to work in our lives. I truly let him in and surrendered myself to his will and glory. He used my dad to keep my husband from running away to utah, and then used his mom and brother to bring him out of the depths of addiction. He started going to treatment, I started going to therapy, and things were slowly getting better. We sent our three year old on vacation in utah so we could focus on our marriage, on the unborn, and on my husband getting better. But as time went on i begin to get physically sick. throwing up and shaking constantly, never wanting to leave my bed. Everything was so uncertain I know this is your plan Lord, but why am I still hurting so bad?

I needed my family to be complete again. I needed dinner for three and bed time stories. I needed tiny hands touching mine. I couldn't do it anymore. First satan stole my husband and now he was stealing my child, along with my joy. I realized I was depressed. I had no one to talk to during all this chaos. My mind was deteriating along with my heart. Then to top it all off, my hurting was hurting my husband. He needed to not worry about me and just focus on himself right now, and I was preventing that.

Then last sunday it all unraveled.

My little sister had hit my car three weeks back and nothing had been done to fix it. I was getting desperate. My dear mother told me to deal with my sister to have her pay out of pocket or she would have to pay the monthly premium on the insurance. My sister being without a job of course could not pay. So I did the next step. EXACTLY what my mom had told me to. This information however was never shared with my dad, for my mothers own selfish reasons, she let him believe that I filed the claim purely out of spite for my parents which he retorted with by telling me he never wanted to see me again. I was heart broken. 'over a car?' I kept repeating. How could you throw your duaghter away over a car?! That day I was vomiting to no relief and couldn't muster any words to anyone. My husband was fed up, and decided it was time to make a move. He couldnt help me and he couldnt stand to see my hurting. So after a night of prayer and some rash desicion making, here I am in utah one week later, with no doctor, no sisters, no baby shower, no job. I'm worried we made the wrong decsion but have decided to make the best of it while i can.

using this time to focus on my walk with the Lord, my relationship with my daughter, taking care of my body and unborn baby, and finding someone to talk to. So far... so good, but still so scary.

The background check

To start this blog off with a bang, I feel the need to explain me. Me in so many words as not to disclose who I truly am but in more words as to have you feel sympathy and attatchment to my story. If that even made any sense.

the basics: I am 23 years old. grew up in a LARGE family (6 girls and one boy, second in comand of the siblings) My parents were never divorced (although I sometimes fantisized of this :) )and handle all seven kids with great stride. Not saying that there werent stresses and that none of us are inevitably screwed up, but we are all alive. Thats what matters right?

I moved away from home at 18 to run away with the man I now call my husband. Little did I know I would be forever indebted to him by allowing him to steal every ounce of my heart. Also, little did I know, the wonderful baggage that would come along with this amazing man. That being two amazing step children that I would have to learn to love as my own, and another two-year old little boy that God put into one womans life a few months after my first daughter was born (long story) by what seemed to be a mistake. But we all know he has a plan. To top it all off, never did I realize how hard it would be to share the man I love with not just an ex wife, but an ex one night stand that never got closure from the father of her child. Yes, TWO woman to share with, FIVE kids to give love to. How can it be done. We're currently trying to juggle this along with the many heartaches and challenges of marriage.

I was impregnated with my first amazing daughter at the age of 19 and gave birth to her at 20. I then moved back in with parents and mingled the single mom life for nearly a year, when God finally went "bonk" on my dear husbands head and he asked for my hand in marriage.

I then moved to utah only to endure more struggles as a young mom and newly married without any sense of God leading my life. two years and thousands of tears, giggles, and days later, we are hitting our final test in marriage. Now rooted in New Mexico (but my presently in utah and my hubby in New Mexico) I now have God at the center of my life. although it did take the doom of divorce, and a deep depression to finally fully commit to Him, I feel I may have my life heading down the right path for the first time.

I am currently pregnant with my second child, my husbands fifth, a beautiful little girl, who has taken the brunt of all the stresses and pains. I hurt her, worse than a mom could, by not fully focusing on her during these scary times. Which I will fill everyone in on in the next blog...

until then. chew on this.

Therapy in typed words

The last time I blogged...? I believe it was before facebook, myspace, photobucket, and the majority of my text included talks about the disney chat room and puppies and kitties. Yes the last time I actaully sat down and shared more than a few thoughts was a very long time ago.

I felt I needed to start back up on the blog train, remembering my days of listening to britney spears and writing in my journal, also remembering how much of a release it was for me. The way the pen would glide smoothly across a fresh blank page, the way my mind would run wild when otherwise held dormant, afraid of the thoughts that would emerge. It was pure bliss. A way to unwind. Even though most of the stuff I wrote was silly, (how my best friend at the time did not want to share her shake with me) it felt so good to get it out. You see, my brian is very different from many others. I cant find a way to force myself to think... to deal with the problems that are in front of me, to find solutions to make my life better, to embrace the hurt that I've carried ( and will carry) for many many years. Ive found a vault in the back of my mind. Where its ever so easy to push away the scary stuff and not think about it, until it one day breaks free and I'm forced to deal with it harder than ever.

So for the sake of my own mind, my sanity, my husband, my children, and my family and freinds, here I am. And here I go. My hands slightly shake as I think of the things that could possibly emerge from my finger tips through a keyboard. Let the blogging therapy begin.