pregnancy horomones rained on my shower...

Time has been taken captive by heading back to my homeland, becoming accustom to my new life as a stay at home mom, planning a baby shower, and the infamous nesting. it's been a glorious few weeks sitting at home getting my daughter fully potty trained finally! and getting that huge list of things done around the house (cleaning baseboards, gardening, organizing closets, etc, etc,). The number one perk that helped me get through the long weeks was waiting for the arrival of my shower!

To me the shower meant delicious food, time spent with friends i haven't seen in ages, fun games, and of course baby stuff! it also meant that finally i can see what i still needed, spend the gift cards i expected to get and set up the furniture i expected to get, giving baby jellybean a green light to arrive. But that was the key word... EXPECTED. if you give yourself expectations you set yourself up for disappointment. Which i should have seen coming a mile away as the days before the shower shortened and disappointment after disappointment approached. It all started with not getting the food i wanted (which for some reason is the biggest deal to a pregnant woman) to having my mother whine and complain about me not helping more or spending more money on my own shower and many little things in between. still, i kept my head high and my hopes right up there with it and continued to tell my self how extremely blessed i was that i was even receiving a shower.

the ugly head of pregnancy hormones overcomes all positive thinking at one time or another. as the day arrived i woke up happier than ever and told myself that i am so grateful God gave me another day to be alive, two amazing baby girls, a healthy pregnancy and an amazing sister that was willing to stretch her stay at home mommy budget to ensure i had a great celebration of the new jellybean. two o clock came and went faster than i thought as me and my sisters and husband sat staring at the door surrounded by purple balloons and paper mache decorations. I jumped every time i thought i heard a car pull up and then settled back down as i saw it drive past. finally a total of six guests had arrived, out of 50, and as three o clock neared the festivities had to begin. I think my sister (the host) was more stressed and upset of the outcome then i was, as was my loving husband. each time i sat down next to him he would rub my leg or grab my hand and give me a reassuring thoughtful look as if to say "you poor thing, no one showed up, i understand if you start crying." but i didn't. I held my head high and continued to count each tiny blessing as i indulged in fruit dip, queso, and conversations with the people who really do love me and mean the most to me.

i have to say though i did let myself break once we got home and unloaded the few gifts i received. my hubby left to get dinner and i sat on the floor shifting through what i received and writing a list of what was still needed. as the list grew longer the tears weld up and suddenly the water works came pouring out. All i could think was "we have no money and we have no stuff for this baby! how are we going to manage!?" the tears fell for a good minute and i picked my self up and started brainstorming on what to do to make it work.

I never again shed a tear over the fact, i still have fleeting moments of feeling sorry for myself mainly over the fact that i was a bad friend and pushed everyone away over the years, but i otherwise have a way more positive outlook. we're saving as much as we can and theres allot of stuff you don't need to get until the baby is older. in all reality all a baby needs is a safe place to sleep, a few onsies, a blanket, diapers and wipes and my boobs. everything else is just extra that the world has created to make having a baby slightly easier. we'll be ok :)

newly discouraged...

I was so confident, so happy, so excited about the upcoming future. My husband was voluntarily getting treatment for his problems, I was seeing a therapist and taking classes on "successful life management". I felt as if I could take on the world and that in ten days I would be back in my comfort zone, back in my bed, with my family and husband. A new stay at home mom and starting my nesting phase, having a tiny newborn that was a bundle of joy and a perfect husband bringing home the bacon all while i cooked and cleaned with a smile on my face in black and white. I had this new found feeling that even if me and my husband found we couldn't do "us" my life would be OK, I would be OK. This was all really a dream.

As the time comes closer to me not only wanting but needing to come home and start my life fresh again, I'm starting to realize its not going to be roses and candy. In fact, it may be worse then it was when i left... I'm finding myself questioning things, worrying, stressing, exactly what the doctor advised me to avoid. What do i do?

My husband is sad, different. No longer going to meetings and finding no point in it. Having a negative outlook on things. All of this has made me realize that although I'm working on myself and feeling more and more confident each day, the tragedy of us ending is still very much a possibility, and no matter how confident i am, I wont be prepared for the pain or the following trials...

I have struggled with this for hours and had to force myself to stop crying but still think logically (instead of pushing the thoughts away to avoid the hurt) and have been constantly reminding myself that I have two beautiful girls i need to worry about and that no matter what happens: LIFE GOES ON

The end is nine

Here we are nearly a week later and I feel life has taken an energy drink and left be dragging behind it. All for the better though!

I started school (yes! school!) but not real school. Just an amazing class called successful life management that helps you learn how to become assertive and handle all of life's challenges. I absolutely love it.  Ive already learned so much about myself, the people around, and how to balance it all. after only four days i feel more confident about the future than I have my whole life. And the big bonus? It earns me a scholarship towards other schooling. SCORE!

I also started seeing a therapist. ahem. but we wont go into that one just yet. I'll leave you knowing that it was much needed and I am thankful the Lord provides us with tools such as these.

As for my doctors appointment it was like a dream. All the nurses and staff were just wonderful and I feel I learned more in one visit about whats going on with baby then i have my whole pregnancy. I will be sad to have to return to Dr. hairy arms in a few weeks. Until then I will take full advantage of this doctors office and ask whatever i can because i know ill get a straight thorough answer! On a little more of a sad note, the doctor did find that I was measuring almost a month behind schedule (and i was two weeks behind a month ago) so the baby pretty much hasn't made much progress growth wise. I'm sure she is just like her big sister and just on the petite size considering my husband is only 5'9 and I 5'4. Reiley was also at risk for Intrauterine growth restriction (a condition where no matter what you do the placenta has problems producing enough nourishment for the baby and baby is better off continuing growth outside of mommy) but after a few ultra sounds and heart tests they found her to be tiny. She came completely on her own at 37 weeks weighing only six pounds. So i have great hope that this one is following in her footsteps. I do have an ultrasound at 2 today for reassurance so it will be great to get to see her one more time before she graces the world!

As for Utah's fate? We will be here no more come the 15th at the latest. I have figured out a plan to continue therapy and classes in my ugly home state new Mexico and am working on a system to help strengthen our family before baby comes. My husband has child support hearing (ugh) come march 15th and we thought we'd turn it into one big road trip! so wish me luck as i embark on the craziest next two weeks!

A monday well done

So today was Monday. Ah the dreaded Monday. The one we curse as the alarm blares at six am, the one that makes us groggy and rude all day long, the one that symbolizes a start to another week of toiling in the dirt, bringing home the bacon, cleaning the house, paying the piled up bills. Monday how we loathe you...

But today, I sang a different tune to my Monday. My sweet much needed Monday. You brought me a week of no work, the first of many, and the opportunity to call business hours only offices. You gave me a chance to get shiz done, to not wallow in my pit of loneliness, to not rack my brain for things to keep me busy, to not have to sit and think of how badly i missed my husband and where i would go from here. so sweet, so dear, Monday.

The number one thing i needed to do was make sure  my sweet little baby was doing all the stress and pressure of the recent events. I also needed to make sure my contractions werent causing anything to happen. The search was dooming at first. call after call, transfer after transfer. many "we don't take your insurance" to "I'll have to check to see if we can get you in that soon". it seemed non stop. google's server was on the verge of crashing and my fingers were sore from typing and dialing. I said a prayer and alas! it was answered. At first this call too was like all the others, after overcoming the financial difficulty i got a small glimmer of hope. when they told me the soonest appointment... two weeks from Thursday. my baby could be here by then! What if she comes to early and no one is there to help!? I wanted to scream. But instead of giving into my emotions I calmly and sadly explained how scared I was for my babies health and how appreciative i would be if they could get me in any sooner. I was put on hold, my heart racing and hoping that this would be my last call. and finally... the doctor was spoken to personally! I don't even talk to my doctor of years personally! He was soft spoken and friendly as was each clerk, billing specialist and nurse i talked to. He had sympathy towards me and squeezed me in for ten am on Wednesday. I now have scheduled an appointment with one of the best Ob's you can find (they have many in Utah due to the popularity of baby making in the state.)

I can only thank the Lord for this miracle as I know he intervened when I was talking to scheduling., and as she was talking to the doctor. I could just imagine God's hand softly touching their chests where their hearts were and whispering to them words to make them feel for my situation.

five hours into my Monday, the prayers continued to be answered and the help continued to pour in. I then walked in to a school where i have never attended and only knew of due to my sister in law and was given resources for a therapist, a FREE therapist. Next a pamphlet fell in my lap of a woman's empowerment class, described as a way to learn to cope with stress, identify root emotions, and find peace within yourself. The woman in the office there were also so sweet and helpful. I might move here purely for the breathe of fresh air of being able to understand everyone you speak to and to have such compassionate people wanting to help you.

And the icing on the cake... my shower planning has officially begun. After a little tugging and bugging with my sisters, things are in motion and i feel confident that me and my husband will be able to celebrate our new baby girls birth together. a much needed time with family and friends blessing us and our children.

I feel at peace, happy, content. I now know that I made the right choice in leaving behind my stresses and following Gods voice. Of course nothing with be perfect from here on out, but better. And of course i still have a list of things that need to be worked on organized and fixed, but I am going Fourth with confidence that the lord is by my side, helping me every step of the way. I can see his footprints in the sand, and I am glad.