pregnancy horomones rained on my shower...

Time has been taken captive by heading back to my homeland, becoming accustom to my new life as a stay at home mom, planning a baby shower, and the infamous nesting. it's been a glorious few weeks sitting at home getting my daughter fully potty trained finally! and getting that huge list of things done around the house (cleaning baseboards, gardening, organizing closets, etc, etc,). The number one perk that helped me get through the long weeks was waiting for the arrival of my shower!

To me the shower meant delicious food, time spent with friends i haven't seen in ages, fun games, and of course baby stuff! it also meant that finally i can see what i still needed, spend the gift cards i expected to get and set up the furniture i expected to get, giving baby jellybean a green light to arrive. But that was the key word... EXPECTED. if you give yourself expectations you set yourself up for disappointment. Which i should have seen coming a mile away as the days before the shower shortened and disappointment after disappointment approached. It all started with not getting the food i wanted (which for some reason is the biggest deal to a pregnant woman) to having my mother whine and complain about me not helping more or spending more money on my own shower and many little things in between. still, i kept my head high and my hopes right up there with it and continued to tell my self how extremely blessed i was that i was even receiving a shower.

the ugly head of pregnancy hormones overcomes all positive thinking at one time or another. as the day arrived i woke up happier than ever and told myself that i am so grateful God gave me another day to be alive, two amazing baby girls, a healthy pregnancy and an amazing sister that was willing to stretch her stay at home mommy budget to ensure i had a great celebration of the new jellybean. two o clock came and went faster than i thought as me and my sisters and husband sat staring at the door surrounded by purple balloons and paper mache decorations. I jumped every time i thought i heard a car pull up and then settled back down as i saw it drive past. finally a total of six guests had arrived, out of 50, and as three o clock neared the festivities had to begin. I think my sister (the host) was more stressed and upset of the outcome then i was, as was my loving husband. each time i sat down next to him he would rub my leg or grab my hand and give me a reassuring thoughtful look as if to say "you poor thing, no one showed up, i understand if you start crying." but i didn't. I held my head high and continued to count each tiny blessing as i indulged in fruit dip, queso, and conversations with the people who really do love me and mean the most to me.

i have to say though i did let myself break once we got home and unloaded the few gifts i received. my hubby left to get dinner and i sat on the floor shifting through what i received and writing a list of what was still needed. as the list grew longer the tears weld up and suddenly the water works came pouring out. All i could think was "we have no money and we have no stuff for this baby! how are we going to manage!?" the tears fell for a good minute and i picked my self up and started brainstorming on what to do to make it work.

I never again shed a tear over the fact, i still have fleeting moments of feeling sorry for myself mainly over the fact that i was a bad friend and pushed everyone away over the years, but i otherwise have a way more positive outlook. we're saving as much as we can and theres allot of stuff you don't need to get until the baby is older. in all reality all a baby needs is a safe place to sleep, a few onsies, a blanket, diapers and wipes and my boobs. everything else is just extra that the world has created to make having a baby slightly easier. we'll be ok :)

newly discouraged...

I was so confident, so happy, so excited about the upcoming future. My husband was voluntarily getting treatment for his problems, I was seeing a therapist and taking classes on "successful life management". I felt as if I could take on the world and that in ten days I would be back in my comfort zone, back in my bed, with my family and husband. A new stay at home mom and starting my nesting phase, having a tiny newborn that was a bundle of joy and a perfect husband bringing home the bacon all while i cooked and cleaned with a smile on my face in black and white. I had this new found feeling that even if me and my husband found we couldn't do "us" my life would be OK, I would be OK. This was all really a dream.

As the time comes closer to me not only wanting but needing to come home and start my life fresh again, I'm starting to realize its not going to be roses and candy. In fact, it may be worse then it was when i left... I'm finding myself questioning things, worrying, stressing, exactly what the doctor advised me to avoid. What do i do?

My husband is sad, different. No longer going to meetings and finding no point in it. Having a negative outlook on things. All of this has made me realize that although I'm working on myself and feeling more and more confident each day, the tragedy of us ending is still very much a possibility, and no matter how confident i am, I wont be prepared for the pain or the following trials...

I have struggled with this for hours and had to force myself to stop crying but still think logically (instead of pushing the thoughts away to avoid the hurt) and have been constantly reminding myself that I have two beautiful girls i need to worry about and that no matter what happens: LIFE GOES ON

The end is nine

Here we are nearly a week later and I feel life has taken an energy drink and left be dragging behind it. All for the better though!

I started school (yes! school!) but not real school. Just an amazing class called successful life management that helps you learn how to become assertive and handle all of life's challenges. I absolutely love it.  Ive already learned so much about myself, the people around, and how to balance it all. after only four days i feel more confident about the future than I have my whole life. And the big bonus? It earns me a scholarship towards other schooling. SCORE!

I also started seeing a therapist. ahem. but we wont go into that one just yet. I'll leave you knowing that it was much needed and I am thankful the Lord provides us with tools such as these.

As for my doctors appointment it was like a dream. All the nurses and staff were just wonderful and I feel I learned more in one visit about whats going on with baby then i have my whole pregnancy. I will be sad to have to return to Dr. hairy arms in a few weeks. Until then I will take full advantage of this doctors office and ask whatever i can because i know ill get a straight thorough answer! On a little more of a sad note, the doctor did find that I was measuring almost a month behind schedule (and i was two weeks behind a month ago) so the baby pretty much hasn't made much progress growth wise. I'm sure she is just like her big sister and just on the petite size considering my husband is only 5'9 and I 5'4. Reiley was also at risk for Intrauterine growth restriction (a condition where no matter what you do the placenta has problems producing enough nourishment for the baby and baby is better off continuing growth outside of mommy) but after a few ultra sounds and heart tests they found her to be tiny. She came completely on her own at 37 weeks weighing only six pounds. So i have great hope that this one is following in her footsteps. I do have an ultrasound at 2 today for reassurance so it will be great to get to see her one more time before she graces the world!

As for Utah's fate? We will be here no more come the 15th at the latest. I have figured out a plan to continue therapy and classes in my ugly home state new Mexico and am working on a system to help strengthen our family before baby comes. My husband has child support hearing (ugh) come march 15th and we thought we'd turn it into one big road trip! so wish me luck as i embark on the craziest next two weeks!

A monday well done

So today was Monday. Ah the dreaded Monday. The one we curse as the alarm blares at six am, the one that makes us groggy and rude all day long, the one that symbolizes a start to another week of toiling in the dirt, bringing home the bacon, cleaning the house, paying the piled up bills. Monday how we loathe you...

But today, I sang a different tune to my Monday. My sweet much needed Monday. You brought me a week of no work, the first of many, and the opportunity to call business hours only offices. You gave me a chance to get shiz done, to not wallow in my pit of loneliness, to not rack my brain for things to keep me busy, to not have to sit and think of how badly i missed my husband and where i would go from here. so sweet, so dear, Monday.

The number one thing i needed to do was make sure  my sweet little baby was doing all the stress and pressure of the recent events. I also needed to make sure my contractions werent causing anything to happen. The search was dooming at first. call after call, transfer after transfer. many "we don't take your insurance" to "I'll have to check to see if we can get you in that soon". it seemed non stop. google's server was on the verge of crashing and my fingers were sore from typing and dialing. I said a prayer and alas! it was answered. At first this call too was like all the others, after overcoming the financial difficulty i got a small glimmer of hope. when they told me the soonest appointment... two weeks from Thursday. my baby could be here by then! What if she comes to early and no one is there to help!? I wanted to scream. But instead of giving into my emotions I calmly and sadly explained how scared I was for my babies health and how appreciative i would be if they could get me in any sooner. I was put on hold, my heart racing and hoping that this would be my last call. and finally... the doctor was spoken to personally! I don't even talk to my doctor of years personally! He was soft spoken and friendly as was each clerk, billing specialist and nurse i talked to. He had sympathy towards me and squeezed me in for ten am on Wednesday. I now have scheduled an appointment with one of the best Ob's you can find (they have many in Utah due to the popularity of baby making in the state.)

I can only thank the Lord for this miracle as I know he intervened when I was talking to scheduling., and as she was talking to the doctor. I could just imagine God's hand softly touching their chests where their hearts were and whispering to them words to make them feel for my situation.

five hours into my Monday, the prayers continued to be answered and the help continued to pour in. I then walked in to a school where i have never attended and only knew of due to my sister in law and was given resources for a therapist, a FREE therapist. Next a pamphlet fell in my lap of a woman's empowerment class, described as a way to learn to cope with stress, identify root emotions, and find peace within yourself. The woman in the office there were also so sweet and helpful. I might move here purely for the breathe of fresh air of being able to understand everyone you speak to and to have such compassionate people wanting to help you.

And the icing on the cake... my shower planning has officially begun. After a little tugging and bugging with my sisters, things are in motion and i feel confident that me and my husband will be able to celebrate our new baby girls birth together. a much needed time with family and friends blessing us and our children.

I feel at peace, happy, content. I now know that I made the right choice in leaving behind my stresses and following Gods voice. Of course nothing with be perfect from here on out, but better. And of course i still have a list of things that need to be worked on organized and fixed, but I am going Fourth with confidence that the lord is by my side, helping me every step of the way. I can see his footprints in the sand, and I am glad.

to concieve or not to concieve

The scary story that led us to where we are now



Now that I've shared a tad of my history, catching up on my current endevours seems logical.

Lets say... about 13 months ago, my husband and I decided to have that big scary talk about whether or not to have another baby. Of course it wasn't as big and scary as i thought, reasoning being that my husband didn't give me his full opinion on it. He only really said, "It's only fair you get a chance to have a planned pregnancy." Huh? I know men are supposed to be the ones that are more upfront, and we're not supposed to look any further into their words for a so called secret message, but I kinda felt left hanging. Do you want another baby or not?

All signs from his family pointed to "you better not!" of course with there being four children thrown into the mix of our crazy lives already, that did seem smart of them. And my family was all for it. But my husband was right. why should I have to suffer because of his "accidents"? So without ever really deciding if we should try for a baby, I left it in God's hands... sorta.. and stopped taking my birth control. I also was no longer covered under insurance and $30 a month seemed a lot more expensive at the time.

so come July of 2010, nearly six months later, I missed that gnarly aunt flow. I was excited, nervous, scared. Why scared you say? I was worried my husband would be upset. I waited almost two weeks before I took a test so I could be 100% sure without having that silly negative line show up only to feel like a fool filled with wishful thoughts. I woke up one Sunday and started getting ready for church, peeded on a stick, then walked into my bedroom and woke my husband up with "I'm taking a test." He immediately jumped out of bed and went to the bathroom when i called after him informing him that it takes three minutes. His response: apparently not! It was like my pee was on steroids, well hormones. It took only 30 seconds for the positive line to show up. I was shaking as we both looked at it. My husband was beaming. smiling ear to ear, but I still stood patiently waiting for him to freak out or explode. "we're having a baby!" he shouted. My shoulders sank and a huge weight lifted away as i let myself finally be truly excited about it. We both laid on the bed holding each other. Five kids, five kids. He kept saying it over and over.

So the first five were heavenly bliss. my husband doteing on my every need, each family member being told and being almost excited or more excited than we were. This was what we needed, I told myself. But then... BOOM. the devil took hold of my husband and pulled him into a dark scary place that shoved fearful thoughts into his head. Along with the fighting, the stress, the non comunication, and my marriage slowly (but at the same time oh so quickly) falling apart, came many pregnancy complications I didnt know were possible

First, I fell at work, causing my already injured back to cause me terrible pain, causing no sleep and a miserable time at work. which of course added to my mood and added to our fighting. Then I discovered I had a herniated belly button. Not a big deal, but yet another stress-er. Then  things plummeted. I lost my husband completely to the evils of the world and an addictive personality. We separated, and i was put at risk for premature labor as each crying fit brought on real working contractions. After nearly two weeks of weeping and praying, God started to work in our lives. I truly let him in and surrendered myself to his will and glory. He used my dad to keep my husband from running away to utah, and then used his mom and brother to bring him out of the depths of addiction. He started going to treatment, I started going to therapy, and things were slowly getting better. We sent our three year old on vacation in utah so we could focus on our marriage, on the unborn, and on my husband getting better. But as time went on i begin to get physically sick. throwing up and shaking constantly, never wanting to leave my bed. Everything was so uncertain I know this is your plan Lord, but why am I still hurting so bad?

I needed my family to be complete again. I needed dinner for three and bed time stories. I needed tiny hands touching mine. I couldn't do it anymore. First satan stole my husband and now he was stealing my child, along with my joy. I realized I was depressed. I had no one to talk to during all this chaos. My mind was deteriating along with my heart. Then to top it all off, my hurting was hurting my husband. He needed to not worry about me and just focus on himself right now, and I was preventing that.

Then last sunday it all unraveled.

My little sister had hit my car three weeks back and nothing had been done to fix it. I was getting desperate. My dear mother told me to deal with my sister to have her pay out of pocket or she would have to pay the monthly premium on the insurance. My sister being without a job of course could not pay. So I did the next step. EXACTLY what my mom had told me to. This information however was never shared with my dad, for my mothers own selfish reasons, she let him believe that I filed the claim purely out of spite for my parents which he retorted with by telling me he never wanted to see me again. I was heart broken. 'over a car?' I kept repeating. How could you throw your duaghter away over a car?! That day I was vomiting to no relief and couldn't muster any words to anyone. My husband was fed up, and decided it was time to make a move. He couldnt help me and he couldnt stand to see my hurting. So after a night of prayer and some rash desicion making, here I am in utah one week later, with no doctor, no sisters, no baby shower, no job. I'm worried we made the wrong decsion but have decided to make the best of it while i can.

using this time to focus on my walk with the Lord, my relationship with my daughter, taking care of my body and unborn baby, and finding someone to talk to. So far... so good, but still so scary.

The background check

To start this blog off with a bang, I feel the need to explain me. Me in so many words as not to disclose who I truly am but in more words as to have you feel sympathy and attatchment to my story. If that even made any sense.

the basics: I am 23 years old. grew up in a LARGE family (6 girls and one boy, second in comand of the siblings) My parents were never divorced (although I sometimes fantisized of this :) )and handle all seven kids with great stride. Not saying that there werent stresses and that none of us are inevitably screwed up, but we are all alive. Thats what matters right?

I moved away from home at 18 to run away with the man I now call my husband. Little did I know I would be forever indebted to him by allowing him to steal every ounce of my heart. Also, little did I know, the wonderful baggage that would come along with this amazing man. That being two amazing step children that I would have to learn to love as my own, and another two-year old little boy that God put into one womans life a few months after my first daughter was born (long story) by what seemed to be a mistake. But we all know he has a plan. To top it all off, never did I realize how hard it would be to share the man I love with not just an ex wife, but an ex one night stand that never got closure from the father of her child. Yes, TWO woman to share with, FIVE kids to give love to. How can it be done. We're currently trying to juggle this along with the many heartaches and challenges of marriage.

I was impregnated with my first amazing daughter at the age of 19 and gave birth to her at 20. I then moved back in with parents and mingled the single mom life for nearly a year, when God finally went "bonk" on my dear husbands head and he asked for my hand in marriage.

I then moved to utah only to endure more struggles as a young mom and newly married without any sense of God leading my life. two years and thousands of tears, giggles, and days later, we are hitting our final test in marriage. Now rooted in New Mexico (but my presently in utah and my hubby in New Mexico) I now have God at the center of my life. although it did take the doom of divorce, and a deep depression to finally fully commit to Him, I feel I may have my life heading down the right path for the first time.

I am currently pregnant with my second child, my husbands fifth, a beautiful little girl, who has taken the brunt of all the stresses and pains. I hurt her, worse than a mom could, by not fully focusing on her during these scary times. Which I will fill everyone in on in the next blog...

until then. chew on this.

Therapy in typed words

The last time I blogged...? I believe it was before facebook, myspace, photobucket, and the majority of my text included talks about the disney chat room and puppies and kitties. Yes the last time I actaully sat down and shared more than a few thoughts was a very long time ago.

I felt I needed to start back up on the blog train, remembering my days of listening to britney spears and writing in my journal, also remembering how much of a release it was for me. The way the pen would glide smoothly across a fresh blank page, the way my mind would run wild when otherwise held dormant, afraid of the thoughts that would emerge. It was pure bliss. A way to unwind. Even though most of the stuff I wrote was silly, (how my best friend at the time did not want to share her shake with me) it felt so good to get it out. You see, my brian is very different from many others. I cant find a way to force myself to think... to deal with the problems that are in front of me, to find solutions to make my life better, to embrace the hurt that I've carried ( and will carry) for many many years. Ive found a vault in the back of my mind. Where its ever so easy to push away the scary stuff and not think about it, until it one day breaks free and I'm forced to deal with it harder than ever.

So for the sake of my own mind, my sanity, my husband, my children, and my family and freinds, here I am. And here I go. My hands slightly shake as I think of the things that could possibly emerge from my finger tips through a keyboard. Let the blogging therapy begin.