Time has been taken captive by heading back to my homeland, becoming accustom to my new life as a stay at home mom, planning a baby shower, and the infamous nesting. it's been a glorious few weeks sitting at home getting my daughter fully potty trained finally! and getting that huge list of things done around the house (cleaning baseboards, gardening, organizing closets, etc, etc,). The number one perk that helped me get through the long weeks was waiting for the arrival of my shower!
To me the shower meant delicious food, time spent with friends i haven't seen in ages, fun games, and of course baby stuff! it also meant that finally i can see what i still needed, spend the gift cards i expected to get and set up the furniture i expected to get, giving baby jellybean a green light to arrive. But that was the key word... EXPECTED. if you give yourself expectations you set yourself up for disappointment. Which i should have seen coming a mile away as the days before the shower shortened and disappointment after disappointment approached. It all started with not getting the food i wanted (which for some reason is the biggest deal to a pregnant woman) to having my mother whine and complain about me not helping more or spending more money on my own shower and many little things in between. still, i kept my head high and my hopes right up there with it and continued to tell my self how extremely blessed i was that i was even receiving a shower.
the ugly head of pregnancy hormones overcomes all positive thinking at one time or another. as the day arrived i woke up happier than ever and told myself that i am so grateful God gave me another day to be alive, two amazing baby girls, a healthy pregnancy and an amazing sister that was willing to stretch her stay at home mommy budget to ensure i had a great celebration of the new jellybean. two o clock came and went faster than i thought as me and my sisters and husband sat staring at the door surrounded by purple balloons and paper mache decorations. I jumped every time i thought i heard a car pull up and then settled back down as i saw it drive past. finally a total of six guests had arrived, out of 50, and as three o clock neared the festivities had to begin. I think my sister (the host) was more stressed and upset of the outcome then i was, as was my loving husband. each time i sat down next to him he would rub my leg or grab my hand and give me a reassuring thoughtful look as if to say "you poor thing, no one showed up, i understand if you start crying." but i didn't. I held my head high and continued to count each tiny blessing as i indulged in fruit dip, queso, and conversations with the people who really do love me and mean the most to me.
i have to say though i did let myself break once we got home and unloaded the few gifts i received. my hubby left to get dinner and i sat on the floor shifting through what i received and writing a list of what was still needed. as the list grew longer the tears weld up and suddenly the water works came pouring out. All i could think was "we have no money and we have no stuff for this baby! how are we going to manage!?" the tears fell for a good minute and i picked my self up and started brainstorming on what to do to make it work.
I never again shed a tear over the fact, i still have fleeting moments of feeling sorry for myself mainly over the fact that i was a bad friend and pushed everyone away over the years, but i otherwise have a way more positive outlook. we're saving as much as we can and theres allot of stuff you don't need to get until the baby is older. in all reality all a baby needs is a safe place to sleep, a few onsies, a blanket, diapers and wipes and my boobs. everything else is just extra that the world has created to make having a baby slightly easier. we'll be ok :)
No comments:
Post a Comment